


I See The Real You

by jarvis_ismy_copilot



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, Mentions of Cancer, POV Second Person, References to anxiety, Tony's relationship with you is brotherly, i think, more like, more like attempts, not lots of romance between Loki and the Reader, reader's mother's death, they/them pronouns for reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 09:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13633695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarvis_ismy_copilot/pseuds/jarvis_ismy_copilot
Summary: "It's.." you struggled to find the right words to describe it. "It's like when you have a potato. And you're trying to peel it, right? But you can't, because you don't have a knife, you only have another potato so obviously that's not working." You looked at him to see if he was following and Loki nodded."Okay so, there's this bunch of all other people with knives, perfectly peeling their potatoes. And they're asking 'What are you doing? Why aren't you peeling it? See? It's easy!' while they're showing you. You try again but it's not working, you need a knife. So you ask for one and people are like 'Sure!' but then give you another fucking potato! And it only leaves you frustrated and crying, with three useless potatoes."





	I See The Real You

You were making your way to Tony's lab, knowing for sure that that's where you would find him. As you made your long way from your rooms to the lab (which was in the basement) you couldn't help but fidget with your hands nervously. Anxiety was getting the better of you, but you refused to let this go on any longer. You were getting bad again, and you knew you needed help; professional help. You wouldn't struggle on your own like last time. Tony didn't deserve that.

The long corridors seemed endless, the stairways even more so. But a small part of you hoped you'd never reach your destination at the same time. It was hard, and it had taken every ounce of courage for you to even think about asking for Tony's help, let alone actually do it. Of course, you knew of his anxiety attacks, you didn't think he wouldn't understand. There was also the fact that he had been extremely sympathetic and understanding when you told him about **that** time. But still. Anxiety and doubt still crept up on you, still made you afraid.

You see, you hadn't always lived with Tony. You were his halfsibling, a child of his father's from a one night stand. They had known about you from the moment your mother found out about you, and although Tony's dad didn't take you in, he made sure you lived well and were taken care of. You didn't see Tony that often, especially because of the age difference and because of his lifestyle.

Although living with your mom wasn't bad, depression still hit you. At a young age at that, too. You were only 14, almost 15 when it all started. You didn't dare tell anyone about it, after all you lived a good life. What was there to be depressed about? So you kept quiet, fought on your own. You weren't strong enough. You gave up many times, almost lost the battles, lost the war.

The biggest hit you took was when your mother died. Cancer, it was. The months preceding her death had been the worst. You couldn't help but blame yourself for everything, your guilt over your illness grew stronger. How could you wish for death when your own mother was fighting so badly and desperately to survive on a hospital bed? Most nights you went to bed praying to whatever deity was out there to give you your mother's cancer instead. It wasn't fair for someone who wanted to live to receive this, while you were there perfectly healthy.

At least that's what you thought. You thought you were healthy. Perfectly fine. Nothing was wrong with you.

And then your mother died and you went to live with Tony since you were still a minor, only a few months left until you'd turn 18. He wasn't the same Tony you remembered from when you were 13. And you hadn't expected him to be either. All that had happened to him, Iron Man, The Avengers, it had obviously changed him.

At first you were closed off. You didn't talk much. Kept to yourself. Then one night when you couldn't sleep, you found yourself gazing out the full length glass doors of his mansion, lost in thought. He joined you -nightmares were still keeping him up awake at night, guilt was eating at him. So you talked that night. You opened up. You didn't know what made you do it -maybe it was the late hour, maybe the sleep deprivation, maybe the ache in your heart, begging to be soothed by someone, anyone.

You didn't tell him you were still depressed. You didn't even think you were, for that matter. Things had been peaceful for the first 2 months you had been there, you had no reason to believe anything was wrong anymore. You convinced yourself you were cured. So you talked about your depression at past tense.

Now, though, getting closer and closer to his lab, you knew that nothing was fine. You weren't fine, and you needed help.

The sight of Tony's lab door broke you out of your anxiety fueled worries so you took a deep breath and shook your head. You knocked on the glass door before entering, although you knew it was futile -with all the noise in there it was impossible for Tony to have heard you anyway.

His back was turned to you and although he wasn't wearing any headphones, he was engrossed in the thing he was tinkering with. You shook his shoulder to get his attention and with a small startle, Tony turned around with a frown on his face. Upon seeing you, though, it turned into a smile.

"Y/n! Great to see you. What's up?" Tony asked while wiping his hands on a rag.

"Hey, Tony.. I, uhm.. You see, I was wondering if you could take me to a doctor any time soon." You were wringing your hands in anxiety, your heart beating loudly in your chest.

"What do you mean? Something wrong, kiddo? You know, I can ask Smarty Pants to do a check up for you."

At this, you lost a bit of your confidence but pushed on. "No, Tony. I don't think Bruce would be able to help with this one. I was thinking of seeing a psychiatrist.. or something.." you trailed off, your gaze falling on a spot on his shirt, rather than his face.

A moment of silence passed before Tony spoke up, his tone quiet and careful. "Is it getting bad again, Y/n?"

Panic rushed through you and the next words came flying out of your mouth before you had time to process them. "No no, it's nothing like that!" You waved your hands in front of you trying to dispel his worries. "I'm fine, I really am! I just thought, after all that has happened, you know with depression and mom, maybe it would be a good idea to see someone and talk about stuff."

A look of relief and understanding passed over his face and Tony said, "Oh, that's great, kiddo. Glad everything's fine. So it's nothing urgent, then?"

 _'Yes, it is,'_ you wanted to say. But instead, you replied, "Nope. Nothing urgent. Just thought of it and wanted to ask."

"Well, I'll see who I can find and I'll make an appointment then."

"Sure thing. Thanks, Tony!" you said with a smile, then turned around to walk out of his lab.

"You're welcome."

As soon as you exited the lab and started your way back to your rooms, the smile slipped off your face and tears threatened to spill from your eyes. Stupid coward! You had chicken out! But you couldn't tell him about your depression. You had seen his expression when he thought you were screwed in the head again! Plus, he had more important things to worry about. He had his own shit to deal with, he didn't need to worry about whether you were going to jump off the tower or not on top of everything else.

Yes, it was better this way. You would keep it to yourself, go to the psychiatrist once Tony made the appointment and get treated without his knowledge so as not to worry him. Everything would work out fine in the end.

That was just the start of your downward spiral.

* * *

A few weeks had passed since then, and Tony told you nothing about the appointment. It seemed as if he had forgotten altogether. But you were too afraid to ask again, what if he would get suspicious? You had said it wasn't urgent!

Meanwhile, your condition was getting worse with each passing day. More and more often you would cry yourself to sleep, calling out to your mother and hugging the plushie she had given you on your 13th birthday close to your chest, wishing it were her.

Soon, sleep started doing nothing for you, your mood following you through the night. You would wake up with the same clenching in your chest, on the brink of tears, every morning. But you had to hide it.

Showers seemed less and less appealing, routine started to be more and more tiresome. School wasn't going great either, your grades had started slipping. You couldn't bring yourself to do your homework, and studying was out of the question when you couldn't focus on the words on the page and felt like crying every time your eyes landed on a notebook or textbook.

You were more quiet these days, almost never went out, declining all invitations from the Avengers. You always found excuses. "Sorry, I already have plans." "I can't, I have to study for an exam." "No can do, I'm exhausted after that big exam, I need some sleep." "Nah, don't feel like it. You guys go."

However, in all that hell you managed to bond with someone, the most unlikely of people. You hadn't talked to him that often and he never seemed to be interested in talking either. However, since you found yourself more and more often spending your nights in the library or gazing out the window, he was often your companion, so obviously you had started talking.

Loki was a breath of fresh air in a time you felt like everything was pressing on your lungs and suffocating you. At first, you only talked about what you were reading or about how the moon and the sky looked like that night. Then, after a long conversation about the stars and the planets, you asked about Asgard and what the galaxy was like out there. The way he spoke so passionately about his home world and the glimmer in his blue eyes made you feel happy you had asked. Apparently he didn't have many people to talk to about Asgard.

But, despite the great friend you found in Loki, his friendship was not enough to keep the darkness at bay. It was getting even worse. Now you rarely showered, barely even ate and had stopped attending classes altogether. What was the point? You'd fail anyway.

After a month and a half since your talk with Tony, you asked him about the appointment.

"So, Tony. Have you found a doctor for me yet?" you tried to sound as casual as possible, but given your condition maybe casual wasn't a good idea anymore.

"Huh? Oh yeah. I talked to a guy but he said he's all booked at the moment. He appointed you for next month, dunno when. That alright with you?" Tony said, popping a chip in his mouth.

You could feel your stomach sinking, dread sipping through the cracks in your weary bones. "Yeah, sure." you said. Then you turned on your heel and headed straight to your room. You needed to let the tears out and immediately.

That night found you on the roof of the Avengers Tower, crying while staring ahead. The cool breeze was making you shiver -you were only dressed in a pair of thin pajama pants and a t-shirt- but you ignored it. What did it matter?

You thought of jumping off the roof, the fall would surely kill you. But the image of Tony's horrified expression, the guilt that would surely add to the pile and the hurt he would feel stopped you. Still, you hoped you'd lose your balance and accidentally fall. It would be better for everyone. At least that way you'd be free of the cage you were living in.

A hand on your shoulder and a "Y/n?" softly spoken made you jump out of your bones but upon realizing it was Loki your body froze in place. ' _Nonononono, he can't be here. He wasn't supposed to be on the roof! He can't know dammit!'_

Loki sat down next to you, propping himself back on his hands as he looked at the night sky.

"Everything alright?" he asked quietly. His tone, however, made you think he already knew the answer.

Still, you gulped and replied, "Yeah. Just needed fresh air," in the same quiet voice.

"You could've had that on the balcony."

His words were left hanging in the air for a while. You didn't know how to answer, and were growing tired of coming up with bullshit excuses and lies.

After a few minutes ticked by, Loki turned you to face him and with a worried look spoke up.

"What's going on? And don't lie to me, I hate being lied to. I can see something's wrong, you can't fool me."

For some reason, those things made you break down crying with no restraint. You felt Loki wrap you in his arms and hold you close to his chest, but you kept on crying. He shushed you as you cried, which only made you cry harder. It was like you were being seen for the first time. No one had seen you before, not really. He didn't need you to tell him to realize something was wrong. He saw you. He **s** **aw** you.

After you calmed down a bit, you pulled away and wiped your nose, sniffling. Loki allowed you some time to regain a bit of your composure before asking again, "Can you tell me what's happening with you now?"

You hesitated for a bit before saying, "I have depression. I'm not sure you'd understand."

He cocked his head to the side. "Depression? What is that? Please help me understand."

"It's.." you struggled to find the right words to describe it. "It's like when you have a potato. And you're trying to peel it, right? But you can't, because you don't have a knife, you only have another potato so obviously that's not working." You looked at him to see if he was following and Loki nodded.

"Okay so, there's this bunch of all other people with knives, perfectly peeling their potatoes. And they're asking 'What are you doing? Why aren't you peeling it? See? It's easy!' while they're showing you. You try again but it's not working, you need a knife. So you ask for one and people are like 'Sure!' but then give you **another fucking potato**! And it only leaves you frustrated and crying, with three useless potatoes." You were looking down at your lap now.

A while later, Loki lifted your chin up and asked while looking into your eyes, "Is that why you asked Stark about the mind healer? Were you asking for a knife?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you tell him why? Why did you say it wasn't important?"

"Because, Loki, my depression makes me feel useless and unimportant. I can't just tell Tony about it. He would only get worried." you said ashamed.

"But that's what big brothers do. It's their job to worry. How can you expect Stark to get you help if he doesn't know why you need it?"

"I guess you're right.." you mumbled. "But I'm still too afraid to tell him."

"Then I'll do it for you. Just promise me you won't lie if he asks you whether it's true." Loki suggested with a small, hopeful smile.

Reluctantly, you agreed, "Yes, alright." Your heart felt less heavy now. "Thank you, Loki."

"No need to thank me, love. Now come on, I bet you're freezing and you need to get some sleep." he said, tugging you upwards and leading you inside the tower. As you were about to split and go to your respective rooms, you turned around and asked, "Can I sleep in your room? I'll probably just end up tossing and turning all night on my own."

Loki cracked a smile. "Sure thing, Y/n. Come on," he said as he led you to his room. Loki closed the door behind you then slipped beneath the sheets right beside you. You didn't hesitate to scoot over, closer to him, and he pulled you into his chest, kissing your forehead. "Good night, love."

You breathed in his scent all around you, then heaved a sigh. "Good night, Loki," you said and snuggled closer to him. You fell asleep faster than Loki could say _'Asgard'._

* * *

  
Light filtered through the cracks in the blinds of Loki's room, bathing it in a warm glow. You slowly blinked your eyes open, feeling rested for the first time in weeks, and looked at the window through which the sun cast warm rays on your face. You could see the dust floating in the air and it felt like time could not touch you in that moment. It felt ethereal.

Plopping back down on the pillow, you closed your eyes again and sighed deeply. Loki had woken up before you so you had the bed all to yourself. Remembering the promise you had made to Loki the night before and deciding sleep seemed rather appealing at the moment, you turned around in the bed and buried your face deep in the pillows. A few more hours of sleep wouldn't hurt anybody. Tony could wait.

Voices arguing outside the door to Loki's room made you snap your eyes open and strain to hear what was going on. They seemed to have stopped and for a moment you felt furious with yourself for your bad hearing but then they started again and you could tell immediately who they belonged to: Loki and Tony.

You sat up in bed and focused on their arguing, trying to decipher what they were talking about.

"-mean they're depressed? I asked them and they said they were perfectly fine!" Tony's muffled voice argued.

"That's exactly what I'm trying to get through your thick, stubborn mortal skull, Stark! They lied because they were afraid and ashamed."

"Why would they do that?" Tony scoffed. "Besides, I don't find it likely they would tell you and not me. I'm their damn brother!"

You could feel the hurt and doubt in his voice. It made your heart break into a thousand little pieces and sink deep in your stomach, the shards cutting deep into your insides. That's exactly what you were trying to avoid. You didn't want to disappoint him, make him blame himself for not figuring it out on his own or hurt him by hiding it from him. You had thought you were doing the right thing by not telling Tony; after all you had convinced yourself you were shielding him, sparing him from another reason to worry. You had been wrong. And it made you feel like shit about yourself, tears pouring out of your eyes without your control.

What Loki said next made you stiffen in a second and your heart hammer in your chest.

"If you don't believe me, then ask Y/n yourself. They're in my room since they couldn't sleep on their own last night. I assume they've woken up, given our argument here."

Before you could throw yourself back in bed and feign sleep, the door opened and in walked Tony, followed closely behind by Loki who was wearing a sheepish look. However, he tried to encourage you by smiling. It did nothing to calm your heart.

Tony's irritation at Loki turned into pain when he saw the tears on your face and the "deer-caught-in-the-headlights" look you were wearing.

"Oh, Bumblebee. Come here," Tony cooed while he sat on the bed and pulled you close to his chest. You didn't protest, instead let him hold you tightly against him, grabbing fistfulls of his t-shirt and clinging to him. When a while passed and you reluctantly pulled away from your brother, Tony asked you gently, "Wanna talk about something?"

You shook your head mutely. Before he could open his mouth you continued, "I don't want to talk about it.. but I know that I should and that you deserve it."

Tony took your hand in his and squeezed it. "It's okay, kiddo. Take it easy, step by step. I'm listening."

You looked into his eyes and he gave you a smile. A small one tugged at your lips as well and with a sigh you began explaining how you had been feeling lately, the things going on in your head, why you thought it was back. When you finished you looked at Loki who had been standing in the doorway the entire time, ready to jump in and reassure you everything was fine.

"I wish you had told me this before. I wish **I** had noticed it on my own. But I'm glad you did now because I can help you. That's all that matters, you hear me Y/n?" Tony told you firmly yet not unkindly.

You nodded your head. "I understand. But please don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known."

Tony shook his head. "Yes, I could've. I just wanted you to be alright so badly that I had convinced myself the signs were just coincidences and that you weren't clearly lying to my face about it. I was selfish and it cost you. But I promise I'll be a better brother from now on. I'll try harder to be by your side at all times." He said resolutely before hugging you again.

Tears threatened to spill again but you let them flow. They were good tears.

"And I'll try to be a better sibling. It's okay, Tony. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. But we're gonna help each other, you and I, right?"

"You bet your ass, kid."

Both of you laughed at that and when you pulled away Tony wiped your eyes.

"I'll let you and reindeer games have some time but I expect you in the kitchen for breakfast with everyone shortly." Tony walked out, closing the door behind him.

You and Loki stood in silence for a while, just looking at each other.

"It wasn't so hard now was it?" Loki was the one to break the silence.

You looked him in the eye and smiled, "Actually, it was. But it was worth it. I wouldn't have done it without your support. Thank you, Loki."

He shook his head as he approached you and knelt before you. He took your hands in his and held them as he looked at you.

"You don't have to thank me. I did it because I care about your wellbeing and I knew Stark was the one who could help you best."

"Still. Thank you."

He smiled and leaned in to kiss your forehead. His lips lingered a while longer than necessary, which have you the courage to ask the next thing.

"Would you like to go out with me sometime after I get my shit together a bit?"

Loki flushed a bit but smiled, "I'd love that, love."

He stood up and pulled you after him. "Now come on, you need breakfast."

"But I'm still so sleeeeepy," you whined. Loki turned around with a mischievous smirk.

"Then I guess I'll have to do this," and before you could react he had hoisted you up on his shoulder, carrying you to the kitchen like a sack of potatoes.

All of the Avengers could hear the ruckus going on from the kitchen and they all smiled, Tony most of all, at the sound of your delighted squeals and peels of laughter. It was good to have you back.


End file.
